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The Accidental Cleanist/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Hey, check out the tree. Lacey Burrows: Aw, you're right, it looks sick. Brent: It's not sick, I just planted it. Lacey: You planted it? Brent: Yes. Well, two large men with shovels planted it but I sponsored it. Lacey: You paid for a tree out of your own pocket? Brent: Just giving a little something back to the community. Accountant: If you make a small donation to the community, I can save you maybe a $1000 on your taxes. Brent: What's the cheapest thing I could do? Brent: It's the very least I could do. Plus, now I have a legacy. Lacey: Ah, that's a nice gesture. I give your legacy a week. Wanda Dollard: Thanks, Lacey. I'll pay for this with my debit card. Lacey: This is your driver's license. Wanda: Oh, is it? Well, you might as well check out my new picture. Lacey: Ah, that is a nice picture. Wanda: Yeah, better than the last few. Photographer: Ready? Wanda: Hang on a second, I just have to... Photographer: Ready? Wanda: No, I'll tell you when I'm... Photographer: Ready? Wanda: Yeah. Are you...? Lacey: Well, you look great in this one. Hank Yarbo: Oh, hey, lemme see. Oh! It went right through the crack of the deck. What are the odds of that happening? Wanda: What are the odds of Lacey being able to pull me off of you? Lacey: Well, at least it wasn't your debit card. That'll be $4.95. Oscar Leroy: What the hell. "Brent Leroy's Corner Gas." Oscar: Who the hell do you think you are? Brent: I like when you start a conversation by yelling. No lead up, right into it. Valuable time saver. Oscar: I was walking downtown and what should I see, but Brent Leroy's Corner Gas tree. Brent: So, you wrote a poem about it? Oscar: It just rhymed by accident. And where do you get off? Brent: The tree is just a donation thing, for tax purposes. Plus, it makes a nice legacy. Oscar: What about me? I founded this place and you're trying to wipe my out of the picture with one lousy tree. Brent: I wasn't trying to wipe you out. I mean, there's some memories I'd like to forget. Oscar: I built this place, from the ground up. And this is the thanks I get. Well, I'll show you a legacy that you won't soon forget. Brent: I think that's actually the definition of legacy. Oscar: Smart guy! Brent: Lunatic, that's your legacy. Wanda: It's over here. Hank: Over where? I can't exactly see you. Wanda: Listen to the sound of my foot. Hank: Ooo, hey, score. Ha, ha. Wanda: North end of the deck. Follow the vibrations. Over here. Did you see the movie "Tremors?" Well, maybe it's more like "Dune." Well, I mean, I'm not saying that Dune is as campy as Tremors, I'm just saying that they both involve sand creatures. Hank: It's right here. Wanda: Geez. Well, thanks. Wait a second, this isn't mine. It's Wendy Carlyle's from 1972. Wendy Carlyle: You found it! Thank you, Hank. Wanda: You're useless. Wanda: There it is. Well, hello. Emma Leroy: So, you just take your chocolate and pop it over. Viola! One chocolate popover. Karen Pelly: And Debbie Benson said that you learned everything from the back of a cake mix box. Emma: What'd she say? Karen: Ah crap, I'll be back in a minute. Emma: Learned everything from a cake mix box, eh? Debbie Benson doesn't know her ass from a spatula! That woman's as dumb as a mud fence! Karen: Hey, do you know how to get a stain out of...wow. Emma: Debbie Benson wouldn't know how to get a stain out of anything. Karen: When I came back into the kitchen, the whole place was clean. Davis Quinton: Typical. Karen: No, it's a good thing. The place was a mess before. She cleaned it up. Davis: Oh, what'd she charge you for it? Karen: She didn't charge me anything, she just did it for free. Davis: So, why you complaining? Karen: I'm not complaining, I'm just telling you about it. Davis: I'd call her and tell her not to do it anymore. Karen: No, I want her to do it. Davis: Oh, you're gonna have to start all over again. This is too distracting. Lacey: Lunch special's Salisbury steak. Brent: Ah, nah, I brought my own. I figured I'd have lunch under my tree. Lacey: Oh, I understand. You want to be with it before it dies. Brent: My tree is just fine, thank you very much. I'll be sitting under it for a hundred years, give or take. Passing my wisdom down to future generations. Old Brent: So you see, that's how Team Thunder was able to defeat the forces of evil Fang. Kid: Is that from a comic book? Old Brent: What's your point? Lacey: That's the best you got? Brent: Sorry, I used up most of my imagination on the beard. Emma: Here's your recipe. Sounded kinda urgent when you phoned. Karen: Those popovers are just so good. Emma: Oh. Karen: Sorry about the mess in here. Davis: Yeah, yeah, it sure is messy. Hard to keep this place straightened up. Karen: Well, I should go into the hall and photocopy this now. Davis: I'll come with. Emma: It takes two of you to photocopy? Karen: When you're a cop, you work in teams. Davis: Yeah, it's important to have each other's back. Whether making a big bust or photocopying a dainty recipe. Karen: Let's roll. Hank: Oh, you finally had to smash your piggy bank, huh? Lacey: No, no, no, no. Oinky's still in one piece. No, no, I got these from under your deck. Hank: Hank, I thought you went under there to find Wanda's license. Yeah, yeah, I haven't found it yet. Could take, uh, two or three trips. Wanda: I got it myself, you don't have to bother. Hank: Oh, well, still, I should probably go back down there... Wanda: Stay out of there. I mean, if I were you, I would ban Hank from going under the deck. It could bother your customers. Lacey: Mmm-hmm, you know, you're probably right. Hank, I don't want you going under there anymore. Hank: Aw, c'mon, I...where'd you get that bracelet? Lacey: Oh, hey, I used to have one just like that. Wanda: I knew that. I saw yours and I thought, I should get one myself, exactly like hers. From a store and get a receipt. So I can prove it. Which I have and I will show to you some day. Bye. Davis: You think that's enough time? Karen: Oh, yeah. Oh, Emma, you didn't have to... Emma: Didn't have to what? Karen: Maybe we should go photocopy the recipe again? Emma: Ah, you can just keep it. I'll just copy it off of the back of the cake mix box. Davis: She didn't do a very good job. Oscar: Hey, jackass. I got a better place for you to stuff your face. Oscar: That's made out of solid maple, buddy boy. Better than your stupid tree. Brent: Hey, my tree is made out of maple, or some kind of wood. Plus, it's organic. Oscar: Hippy talk. Brent: Ah, I don't know. Looks kinda hard an uncomfortable. Oscar: Read the plaque. Brent: "Courtesy of Oscar Leroy. Founder of Corner Gas." Oscar: Now that's a legacy. Brent: Yeah, whenever people get a pain in their ass, they'll think of you. Emma: Hey, Lacey. I think there's an animal under your deck. Sounds like it's mating. Lacey: It's not an animal, it's Hank. Wanda: Ooo. That's nice. Hank: Busted. I have dibs on that ring. Wanda: There's no dibs down here. Hank: Got it! Wanda: It's mine! Lacey: I thought I told you to stay out from under the deck. Hank: Shut up, it's Lacey! Wanda: Shut up. Emma: Oh, you're right, it is Hank. Hank, have you seen a flower brooch down there? Hank: Wanda's under here too, you know. Right, Wanda? Wanda: Ow! I mean, ow. Lacey: You know what? Both of you, get out from under the deck, right now. Emma: It's a purple brooch, little green stem. Lacey: Right now. Wanda: Cough, cough. Karen: I don't understand why Emma didn't clean up. Worked at my place. Maybe it's you. You can be a little off-putting. Davis: I'm not off-putting. If anything, I'm on-putting. Karen: Bottom line is you blew it. Davis: You attitude is what's off-putting. Now I have a craving for pudding. Brent: Hey, what do you kids think you're doing? Twenties Guy: What does it look like we're doing? Brent: Looks like you're waiting for somebody to put a size 12 boot up your wazoo. That's right. Take your beer and get outta my shade. Emma: Hey, Davis. Davis: Hi, Emma. Oh, Emma, Oscar's got a unpaid parking ticket that I need to collect on. Emma: Oscar got a parking ticket? Davis: Yeah, couple of months ago. Emma: Honestly, that man has the attention span of a flea. Davis: Yeah, why don't we continue this conversation over here by the bumper. Brent: Well, well, well, if it isn't Johnny Bench come to tell me how great his bench is. Oscar: I don't need to brag about my bench or run down your tree when the paper does such a good job. Heh, heh, heh, heh. Brent: "Boozy element?" It was just a couple of kids drinking beer. It happened one time. Oscar: Trees are like magnets for booze. Brent: Do you even care about making sense anymore? Oscar: Whew, boy, my legs are getting tired! Emma: We're not stopping to sit on your stupid bench. Oscar: It's not a stupid bench. It's better than Brent's booze tree. People love my bench. Emma: More than you think. Oscar: Hey, you sexpots. Scram! Brent: At least with my tree the kids keep their pants on. Probably gonna be a population boom because of your sex bench. Oscar: It's not a sex bench! It's a make-out bench and it's not a make-out bench! Brent: Whatever you say, Hef. Davis: Yeah, I couldn't believe what they said. Personally, I don't think your hair looks anything like a rat's nest. Emma: They don't know what they're talking about, they're no fashion plates. Davis: Oops, missed the garbage can. Emma: Ah, maybe I shouldn't get so upset about it. Davis: Right, I mean that's nothing compared to what they said about your shoes. Emma: Those sniping old crones. Davis: Atta girl. I mean, atta girl for sticking up for yourself. Karen: What's going on? Davis: Oh, hi Karen. Uh, Emma and I were just wrapping up our little conversation. Emma: Apparently, some people have a problem with my shoes. Davis: Well, water under the bridge, Emma. Water under the bridge. Wanda: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Lacey: I'm putting an end to this. The deck is closed. Oh, no, no. The deck isn't closed, just underneath the deck. Jane (Deck Customer): You can eat under the deck? Lacey: No. Hank: Sure you can. Lacey: No, you can't. Wanda: Lot of fries down there. Lacey: I'm closing the deck hole. Oscar: The only reason why people are making out on my bench is that they're getting all liquored up under your tree. Brent: They gotta drink to forget all the porn on your bench. Directions Woman: Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to get to the highway? Brent: Yeah, you just go straight down this road, make a left past the make-out bench... Directions Woman: Did you hear that Rob, there's a make-out bench. Husband: Hot dog! Lacey: OK, I'll just get you some change...oh. Ha, that was lucky. I thought it might fall right through the cracks. Davis: I'll get it. I doubt it would even fit through the cracks. Oops. Lacey: Good one. Let's try with one of your keys now. Karen: I'm really glad you came. You seemed pretty upset about that whole shoe thing earlier. Emma: No. It's like Davis says, "Water under the bridge." Karen: Hmm. Well, watching the news these days and seeing the kind of cesspool of a world must make you pretty angry. Emma: You know Karen, you're a bit of a downer. I'm gonna go. Karen: Davis is manipulating you! Emma: What? Karen: Haven't you noticed? Whenever you're around he says things to make you mad. Emma: Why would he do that? Karen: Guess he just likes to wind you up. Emma: Oh, that selfish, dirty, rotten...wait a minute. I see what's going on. Karen: And seeing what's going on must make you even more mad. Emma: You're as bad as he is. Karen: So ah, you gonna finish up in here or, ah... Hank: See, I told you there's good stuff down there. Lacey: No, my key's down there. Will you get it for me? Hank: Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't want to creep out your customers. Lacey: It's my only house key. Hank: Beg me. OK, stop begging, I'll do it. Hank: Just the chips. Wanda: Where did you get this? Hank: Oh, you know, ATM. Wanda: Oh, it dispenses coins now? And buttons? Hank: Mmm-hmm. Wanda: And elastics? This is deck money, isn't it? Hank: No. Man, you are so paranoid. Wanda: Is this your key? Hank: Oh, no, that's Lacey's. I gotta get it back to her. Wanda: Was it under the deck? Hank: Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, dammit. Wanda: Oh, it's on. Wanda: Nice. Holy crap. A whole watch. Oh, oh. Oscar: OK, give it a rest, Casanova. We're cleaning up this bench. Brent: Yeah, you and kissy lips take it somewhere else. Twenties Guy: C'mon, babe. Brent: Yeah, go smooch on somebody else's legacy. Brent: You two are unbelievable. Oscar: Go drink behind a library, ya slackers. Twenties Girl: This date sucks. Brent: There, now it's beautiful park. Davis: Thanks for coming over, Emma. Emma: Sounded on the phone like you needed to talk. Davis: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Anyway, there's a mop and bucket over there and some women say you're shirt's ugly and I'll be back in a bit. Emma: You know, Karen says you're trying to manipulate me. Davis: What? Emma: And I didn't like her insulting you and I got made at her and you know what that makes me do? Davis: Hold on, I'll get the vacuum cleaner. Emma: It makes me wanna take this broom and... Davis: Yes? Emma: Wipe everything off the counter. It makes me want to take this garbage can... Davis: Your hair looks great. Emma: I know. Wanda: Hello? Hello? Lacey: I don't believe this. Wanda, is that you? Wanda: Ha, ha, hey! How's the weather up there? Lacey: Unbelievable! You know, I should put barbed wire around the deck. Wanda: Yeah, this is your fault. So, go get someone to help me. I'm stuck. Ruby Deck Person: Oh my God, there's a child stuck under the deck! Lacey: It's not a child, it's just Wanda. Ruby Deck Person: Oh. Wanda: Anyone? Hank: Hey. Wanda: Ah, OK, not anyone. Anyone else? Hank: Hey Lacey, I found a twenty down here. Wanda: Put that back in my pocket! Hank: You said I could keep anything I find down here, right? Lacey: That's right Hank. I'd look for coins, maybe between her ribs? Wanda: I strongly advise you against this. Hank: Coochy, coochy-coo! Wanda: I'm gonna kill you! You're a dead man. Hank: Coochy, coochy-coo! Lacey: Whoop. I've dropped my eyebrow pencil. I wonder what you could do with that? Hank: Ha, ha, ha, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What, what could I do with that? Brent: This is never gonna stop. You can't fight human nature. Oscar: I guess we have no choice. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Brent: Actually, I had something else in mind. Goodbye, ghetto! Hank: Thanks, everyone. Thank you, than you for your support. Lacey: Well, good work Hank. You rescued Groucho Marx. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha, very funny. But seriously, someone should call an ambulance. Lacey: Why, are you hurt? Wanda: Oh, it's not for me. Brent: Well, I guess you can't just go out and buy a legacy. Oscar: We got a pretty good one right here. This place will always be the pillar of the community. Brent: Yep, unless gas prices keep going up and everybody switches to electric cars. But hey, folks are always gonna need something. Wanda: Want someone to check your oil, boys? Oscar: Why the hell would that happen? And why would we have beards? Brent: We might. Oscar: Tuh. Category:Transcripts